The Bible: A chronological history (part 1)

"This is the first part of a series which aims to simplify the old testament and put it into chronological order. The bible is a confusing book with far too many irrelevant names and superfluous information. This will help to make sense of it.

Squealpiggy: I read the bible so you don't have to.

Part 1

In the beginning...

God created the following, in order:

1. Heaven and earth
2. Light
3. Night and day
4. Land, water and sky
5. Plants
6. Stars, the sun and the moon
7. Fish and birds
8. Livestock, wild animals and "creatures that move along the ground". I don't understand the differentiation but I'm not impotent or whatever they say God is. Omni something.
Oh and then he made a dude. And then he made a chick out of the dude's bone. You dirty ****er, it was his rib bone.

So far so good? Well God puts dude in charge of the animals then chills out for a day.

Of course the bible then says that the dude was created before the plants and animals, but I think that bit is supposed to be a joke.

Now he puts dude and chick in the garden of eden and says "Don't eat from this tree, the one over here next to the talking snake". He should have said "don't talk to the talking snake" because the chick, like an idiot, talks to the talking snake, eats from the forbidden tree and they get thrown the **** out of dodge. Or eden.

So they have a couple of children and one of them murders the other one in a fit of pique. So the murderer gets kicked out of the... well nothing really because there's only three people on the planet, mum, dad and murderer. But apparently the murderer finds himself a wife and has kids. Apparently his offspring are sort of cursed but none of that even matters because of what happens next...

Anyway mum and dad have another son called Seth and Seth himself has a son. So I don't know if I'm missing something here but WHAT THE ****!? Anyway apparently there were enough people to make enough babies to cover the earth in nine generations. In fairness people seemed to live for a ****ing long time in those days but even so...

But neither the offspring of the murderer nor the offspring of anyone else matters at all apart from one person, his wife and his three sons and their bitches. Because God KILLS EVERY OTHER MOTHER****ER IN THE WORLD IN A GIANT FLOOD!"